Grey's Anatomy: The Emerald City Bar

Random Thoughts

Let’s talk – for a moment – about something called, “gaydar.”

“Gaydar” can be defined as an intuitive ability to discern whether an individual is gay, straight or somewhere in between.  I, for one, possess a very refined, very accurate gaydar.  For example, I knew Walter was gay the instant he gave me his phone number on a napkin at one of my favorite bars in Capitol Hill.  I like to think of this astounding ability as my very own sixth sense, but, instead of seeing dead people...  That’s right, I see gay people.

I pride myself on my gaydar.  So, tonight, it came as quite a surprise when Callie – you know, ex-wife-of-George, alleged-penis-loving, meet-McSteamy-in-the-on-call-room Callie – asked me if I thought she and Hahn were lesbians.  At first, I just laughed.  But, then I realized she was totally, completely, 100% serious.  Of course not, I replied.  Callie and Hahn?  Yeah right!  Callie and Hahn?  Hilarious!  Callie and Hahn?  Wait a minute…  Oh.  Callie and Hahn. 

The mere fact that Callie – all serious and insecure-like – was asking whether I thought she and Hahn were a couple said A LOT.  It’s kind of like when you call into a radio show, asking for advice for “your friend” who has some really weird frozen food fetish when, in all reality, “your friend” is actually “you” and “you” can’t call because your sister listens to that radio show and she’d totally know it was “you” calling if you did.  Or something like that.

Look, what I’m trying to say is…  Callie is confused.  And so am I, because I never would’ve thought about Callie and Hahn diving into some pretty uncharted territory together.  I’ve always thought of them like, well, Oprah and Gayle.   Just two good friends who braid each other’s hair and take road-trips across the country together (with separate hotel rooms, of course).  But, then again, maybe my gaydar is malfunctioning and Callie and Hahn have been secret luvahs this entire time.  Stranger things have happened…

Speaking of strange things…  What do you get when you take Cristina, one of Madonna’s greatest hits, and the morgue?  Well, you get Cristina singing one of Madonna’s greatest hits in the morgue, of course.  Yes.  Very strange indeed.

I guess Dr. Burke is somewhere out there practicing cutting-edge surgery and accepting prestigious awards because the man just picked up his very own Harper Avery.  Well, that whole picture obviously doesn’t sit too well with Cristina.  I mean, your arms are in a dead man’s chest, your fingers are wrapped around a bunch of lifeless organs and you’re singing?!  Just when I thought Cristina had closed that whole Burke chapter, this has to happen.  What’s next for Yang?  Cleaning?!

Oh, I almost forgot…  Today, SGH instituted some new “Date and Tell” policy.  They required all personnel to report any past or present sexual relationships.  Lexie and George came by the bar a little while ago and told me that the entire hospital was furious about the new policy.  All thanks to one man and one man only:  Mark Sloan.  Man, I can only imagine how many pages and how much ink McSteamy needed to complete his form(s)!

Everybody – and I mean everybody, er, except Bailey – had to fill out a form.  Including…  Nurse Rose.  I asked the sex police (that would be George) for a little clarification on that one.  He told me that if you were having sex with another member of the SGH staff, then you had to report it on the form.  And, Nurse Rose took one of those forms?  Yep.  She filled one out?  Yep.  So, she’s now officially sleeping with Derek?  …Yep.

Seriously?!  Okay, deep breaths, deep breaths.  In and out.  Iiiiiin and ooooooouut.  Okay.  Feel better?  Me neither.

I tried to get George to get me copies of everybody’s forms – or, just Nurse Rose’s – so I could see for myself.  But, he told me that simply would not be possible.  Anyhoo…

It turns out that Lexie was mortified because Alex apparently forgot to put his relationship with her down on paper.  Yeah, Alex totally forgot he slept with Lexie.  Okay, that’s embarrassing.  Good thing George was there to help Lex see the bright side of things – those two are becoming such great friends.  It’s cute.

I hear that Alex is feeling a little under the weather.  He was actually supposed to pick up a shift at the bar tonight (apparently, he’s trying to save up for a security deposit so that he and Ava/Rebecca can get their own place), but he called in sick.  The dude’s about to be a father!  He needs to rest up, believe me!  If Alex feels totally rundown now, I can’t imagine how he’s gonna feel when his baby is actually born…  We’ll just have to wait and see about that one, won’t we?

Alright, folks, it’s about time I head home to my babies.  Until next time…

- Joe the Bartender

Top 10 Reasons Why Dr. Addison Montgomery Needs to Get her L.A.-ified Ass Back To Seattle Grace...Yesterday

Dr. Addison Forbes Montgomery is back!

The world-renowned neonatal surgeon?  She’s back!  Derek Christopher Shepherd’s ex-wife?  Back!  The doctor who delivered my babies?  She’s baaaa-aaaaack.  The woman who showed up, unannounced – wearing the sickest pair of Manolos you’ve ever seen – and proceeded to try to win back the man she cheated on??  She’s sooooooo back!!!!

But, only for a night.

Sadly, it’s true.  Addie came back to SGH for a medical case.  Not for Derek.  Not for Mark.  Not for me, but for a freakin’ surgery.  And, now that the surgery is over, Addison is headed back down to L.A. in the morning.  Bummer. 

Well, a bartender can dream, can’t he?  He can envision Dr. Montgomery poking and prodding Meredith to fight for McDreamy.  He can wish Dr. Montgomery was here to continue inspiring Izzie when she’s feeling down and out after not being invited to George’s parties.  Gosh darn it, a bartender can hope that Alex is able to see right through his scary Fatal Attraction Jane Doe/Rebecca/Ava and come out okay in the end because ADDISON will be right there by his side… 

I sure was doing a lot of dreaming, wishing and hoping tonight.  And, ya know what?  It all got me thinking.  Yes, from time to time, I do think, you know.  Seriously – Working behind the bar, mixing drinks, watching Callie bolt out with Mark with nothin’ but sheer gay panic written across her face, witnessing Cristina get her ass handed to her by none other than Erica Hahn, overhearing Addison talk about some doe-eyed little creature thing or something…  All of it got me thinking…

We need Addison to come back…  Permanently.

This prompted me to write down my top ten reasons why Dr. Addison Montgomery needs to get her L.A.-ified ass back to Seattle Grace…  Yesterday.  So here we go…

10.  You can’t just find world-renowned neonatal surgeons in the Yellow Pages. What’s Richard gonna do?

9.  Gandhi?  Hugging?!  Addison really has been in L.A. way too long.

8.     Nobody can turn down Mark Sloan and his skin flaps better than Addison can.

7.     Ooh!  There’s an opening in Erica and Callie’s sunrise yoga class!

6.     Izzie needs a mentor.  Operating on deers, competing for cardio, “boxes of fun?”  Never would’ve happened if Addie were around.

5.  Alex is gonna need more than just a shoulder to cry on after Ava/Rebecca-gate is over.

4.  It’s about time we had another 60-day sex bet at Seattle Grace.

3.  Who’s gonna be there if (or rather, when) Bailey finally does fall apart?

2.  If anybody could make Nurse Rose go runnin’ for the hills, it’d be Addison.

1.  I really miss those salmon-colored scrubs.

Like I said, a bartender can only dream.  So, until next time…

- Joe the Bartender

Who is Nurse Rose?

Okay, first of all – can someone please tell me when this Nurse Rose chick showed up??!!

I take a well-deserved, itty, bitty vacation and the next thing I know – McDreamy seems to have forgotten all about little Miss Grey and has turned his attention to some outsider named Nurse Rose.  The nerve!

You’d think I would’ve gotten a phone call. A text?  An email!?  For cryin’ out loud, you’d think someone would’ve told everybody’s favorite bartender about the mysterious little lady stealing McDreamy’s heart, but noooooooo.  I had to hear about it from Mark Sloan, of all people.  Now, of course, nobody ever believes what Mark Sloan says.  But, when my boy Alex confirmed the presence of this… nurse…  I took it for fact.

Apparently, Nurse Rose and Derek have been seeing (and kissing) each other for over a month!  The funny thing is, as Mark so eloquently pointed out, they’re not sleeping together.  Ah, so they haven’t sealed the deal?  Yet.  Well, I, for one, think that’s just splendid.  Everybody knows that I’m the biggest Mer-Der fan around.  So, as long as Derek just sticks to working up patients – and not scrub nurses – then Meredith isn’t completely out of the picture.  Right?  Right. 

Here’s hoping that both Derek and Meredith figure things out, get their acts together and fall back in love…  with each other.  Not that I think they ever fell out of love.  No, they just need to work through their own personal issues (by themselves) and then get back together.  And, until that happens, I better not find Nurse Rose walking alone in any back alleys.

Okay.  Now that that’s outta the way… 

Hello again, world wide web!  Oh my, I’ve certainly missed you.  Between having twins, running the bar, visiting Walter’s family and going on a mini-vacation to Arizona, I’ve somehow lost touch with you all.  What can I say – things got a little crazy.  But, I want you to know that I’m back, and I’m going to be updating this here blog a lot more frequently now.  I’ll be discussing all things Seattle Grace…  Everything from Derek and his scrub nurse to this newfound friendship between Callie and Erica that I’ve been hearing a lot about (from Cristina, mainly).

Oh, man, Cristina is pissed!  She was just in here ranting and raving...  Callie and Erica this.  Callie and Erica that.  According to Cristina, Callie and Erica are bff’s and didn’t even bother to tell her.  Yeah, Cristina allows Callie to move in with her and the next thing she knows – it’s all “my-buddy-and-me” between Callie and Erica.  As far as Cristina is concerned, Hahn is supposed to be her “mentor.”  She’s not supposed to be Callie’s best friend.  You know, it sounds like somebody’s just a wee bit jealous.

I’m sure Cristina wishes that she was the one staying out all night and partying with Hahn.  Maybe then Hahn would go a little easier on her.  I mean, it’s obvious that Cristina’s been trying to impress Hahn, but, so far, she hasn’t had any luck.  Of course, Cristina has never been the type of girl who shies away from challenges.  The thing is, however, Hahn may be too much of a challenge for even Cristina to handle.  Only time will tell, I guess…

Cristina took off once Alex started teasing her about losing some sort of contest.  Evidently, the two of them were involved in some sort of surgical contest that took place over the last 14 DAYS at the hospital.  Izzie and Meredith participated, too.  Yeah – the four of them were living in the hospital for a full two weeks.  They ate hospital food morning, noon and night.  They slept wherever (and whenever) they could.  They rarely showered.  They DIDN’T LEAVE SEATTLE GRACE.  So they’re either really committed or really, really stupid (and smelly).

Meredith ended up winning the contest.  She supposedly won a highly-coveted, shiny, sparkle pager.  What’s so great about a sparkle pager, you ask?  Well, not only does it – I don’t know – SPARKLE, but, for the next three months, whenever somebody gets a surgery, that person has to first page the sparkle pager.  And, if Mer wants that surgery, then it’s hers!  Well, like I said, Alex was ribbing Cristina about being a loser and losing out on the power of the sparkle…  And, that’s when Cristina just got up and left, yelling “SPARKLE THIS” on her way out…  She was in a bad, bad mood tonight.  But, that’s Cristina, what can I say?

So, Izzie was depressed about running some patient through a slew of unnecessary tests and George and Lexie had to deal with their crapartment, but, where was Meredith tonight?  I’m surprised she never came to the bar.  Didn’t she want to celebrate her win?  Didn’t she want to show off her sparkle pager live and in person?  I guess not.  That’s when Alex told me that Mer lost a patient today.  He passed her on his way out – Apparently, Meredith was working late.  It looked like she was focused on a bunch of research.  Good for her!  Maybe it’ll help her do that whole “growing up” thing.  Besides, Mer could probably stand to avoid the bar for a little while anyway…

By the way, I heard that Meredith recently started seeing a therapist.  What, was I not doing a good enough job?  I listen to people’s problems. I give advice.  I offer support.  Best of all, I’m free (although tips are always welcome).  Well, I guess I can’t be mad at her.  I just hope this “therapist” of Mer’s isn’t some quack and will actually help her with all of her issues.  Yeah…  It’s gonna take some time…

Alright, folks, that about does it for me.  I’ve gotta get back to work.  Speaking of which, I could use a hand or two over here.  It’d allow me more time to blog, that’s for sure.  So, anybody looking for a job?  I should just hire Alex, as much as I see his ugly mug around these parts.  Well, anyway, I hope this blog finds you in good health and in good spirits!  Until next time…

- Joe the Bartender

SEATTLE GRACE CHAINSAW MASSACRE

Seattle Grace has seen its fair share of the ghastly and extreme:  65-pound tumors, bombs in body cavities, ferry crashes, meth lab explosions, LVAD-wire cutting interns, pregnant dudes, toxic ladies, broken penises, severed penises, pole impalements, tree impalements, an entire staff affected by syphilis…  And that’s just the stuff I came up with on the fly.

Well, SGH can now add “a crazy dude who cut off his own foot with a chainsaw – right there in the middle of the freakin’ ER!” to its repertoire.  Actually, this one can be thrown into the subcategory of the morbid, macabre and EXTREMELY sick.

I get that it’s Halloween and all – but, dude – taking a chainsaw to your perfectly healthy foot?  With no anesthesia in sight?  Are you CRAZY?  Actually, yeah.  Yeah he was crazy.  Totally nuts.

Alex came into the bar tonight with all of the grizzly details about Leatherface himself.  Apparently, this guy suffered from Body Dysmorphic Disorder.  He actually thought his foot did not belong to him.  According to Alex, the dude was convinced.  So much so that he grabbed a chainsaw, found a seat, put blade to skin and CUT. 

One question:  Who the heck let somebody bring a chainsaw into the hospital on Halloween in the first place?  Alex didn’t know.  He actually never got to see the dude in person.  Instead, Alex said he was occupied with “something else” all day.

“Something else?”  Something else?  What could be more interesting than Leatherface?  Alex wouldn’t say, but it was obvious:  a woman.  It had to have been a woman that kept Alex occupied the entire day.  Nothing else would’ve kept him from getting a chance to see Leatherface – chainsaw and all – live and in person.  Now, who Alex’s woman was?  No idea…  But you know things like that have a habit of coming out around here…

It was Lexie who actually answered my question.  You know – the one about who the heck let somebody bring a chainsaw into SGH.  On Halloween.  She said the chainsaw didn’t belong to Mr. Body Dysmorphic Disorder.  It was actually brought in by some dude who was in a local pumpkin carving contest.  That genius cut off his own finger.  (Well, at least his severed body part was an accident.)  Anyway – I guess the finger was still lodged inside the chainsaw.  Hence the reason to bring a chainsaw into a hospital.  On Halloween.  Yikes.

After Lexie filled us in, she sort of awkwardly looked at Alex and then scurried away.  Thanks for the tidbit, Lex!  Come back anytime!  Those Grey girls…  They’re a bit socially awkward, you know?

Anyhoo – So, a guy loses his foot and a hospital gains an attending.  That’s right – There’s a new kid on the block:  Erica Hahn.  Although, she’s no stranger to SGH.  She’s been around several times before.  Dr. Hahn is one of the nation’s leading cardiothoracic surgeons.  And, yep…  She’s the new Burke.

Dr. Hahn is pretty badass.  She schooled a bunch of dudes in a game of darts tonight, let me tell you.  Yeah – Dr. Hahn came in, ordered a few cocktails and then challenged some random guys in a corner to – what she called – a “friendly” game of darts.  Well, there was nothing “friendly” about it.  Hahn took no prisoners and beat every last one of her opponents.  And those guys weren’t beginners.  They just weren’t as good as Dr. Hahn.  Man, I’m telling you, the girl’s got a steady hand.

I wonder how Cristina feels about Hahn’s arrival.  Cristina is all about cardio.  At least, she used to be.  When Burke was around.  Perhaps all of that will change now that it’s Hahn who holds the key to cardioland.  We’ll see about that, but something tells me Cristina and Hahn ARE NOT going to be friends…

Hey, I’m surprised I didn’t hear about more people over at the hospital dressing up for Halloween today.  Where’s the holiday spirit?  I called Nurse Debbie to find out, but everybody seemed to have some lame excuse.  Excuses, excuses, people!  Just because you’re carrying around your baggie full of mommy DOES NOT mean you can’t dress up in a costume.  Meredith.  Who cares if the nurses have formed a club against you?  Sloan.  So what if the entire hospital heard you cheated on your wife, slept with your best friend,  or are about to be a divorcee?!  George, Izzie, Callie.  IT’S HALLOWEEN!  I want to see some freakin’ costumes!

Even I dressed up.  I even made all of my co-workers wear costumes so we could all be one, big, happy mariachi band.  It’s awesome.  We each have our matching hats and our shirts and our instruments.  And we’re taking requests!  We’re taking them all night long.  So “La Bamba” is the only Spanish song I know – WHO CARES – At least I dressed up.  Which is more than I can say about my friends over at the hospital.  And Dr. Bailey would’ve made such an adorable little kitten.  There’s always next year, I guess.

Well, have a happy and safe Halloween!  And, make sure your mom inspects all of your candy before you eat it, kids.  Until next time…

- Joe the Bartender

Smackdown!

Tonight began like any other night.  Everything was running smoothly.  The drinks were flowing.  The jukebox was blaring.  A few interns were playing darts in the corner.  Some frat boys from U-Dub were taking shots at the bar.  Callie was telling me about Izzie Stevens sleeping with her husband.  A couple nurses were crowding around the pool table.  Just another normal night, ya know?

Oh, what’s that?  You want me to back up?  Back to the frat boys and their Jagermeister?  Ohhhh, the whole Izzie sleeping with George thing.  Oh, that.  Yeah, there was…  that, too…

When Callie came in, I was thrilled to see her.  Ever since she became Chief Resident, I haven’t been able to chat with her all that much.  Being Chief Resident is no walk in the park, I’ll tell you that.  Callie looked exhausted.  I could tell that she had a lot on her mind.  That, folks, was the understatement of the year…

I set a beer down in front of her and told her it was on the house.  That’s when Callie looked up and told me – straight up – George slept with Izzie.  She then proceeded to pound her drink as I just stood there, behind the bar, speechless.  I didn’t know what to say.  I mean, I wanted to say something – anything, really – but I couldn’t seem to form any words.  Callie must’ve noticed my shock and utter amazement, because she left just about as fast as she came in.

And, that was that.  Yeah, sooo…  What’s everybody gonna be for Halloween??!!

Okay, if it sounds like I’m saying this whole Izzie/George thing is no big deal, it’s because I’m trying to convince myself this whole Izzie/George thing is no big deal.  I’ve been trying for the past three hours.  It’s not working.  No matter how much I hope and pray that this whole Izzie/George thing is just some bizarre mix-up, some way-too-vivid dream, some casual mistake, I know the truth of the matter.  Yes, this whole Izzie/George thing is a big deal.  It’s a very big deal.

Izzie and George.  Izzie and George?!  Is this a Meredith Grey, one-night-stand sorta thing?  Or is this more of a “I found my soul mate, so what if he’s married, we’re gonna make it work” kinda thing?  I, for one, would like to know.  And then I’d like to sit George O’Malley down and have a long talk with him.  What does George have to say for himself?  And, how in the world is Callie dealing with all of this?  First, Chief Resident and now her cheating husband?  Man, the future doesn’t look so bright for either of them.

After Callie left and I had time to decompress, the events I heard about over at the hospital during the day made complete sense.  You see, there was a rumor going around Seattle Grace about Callie wanting to kick Izzie Stevens’ ass at lunchtime in the cafeteria.  That’s right, SGH was about to go all WWE today.  “The smackdown of the century.”  Nobody knew what all that ruckus was about.  But, something tells me that everybody is about to find out…

Now, normally, I’d be able to sit here and blog about Meredith and Derek not having too great of a day.  I’d be able to tell you how I heard Derek was officially impressed with Lexie.  How Meredith got (understandably) annoyed about Derek and Lexie’s bonding sessions.  And, how Derek cancelled his weekend plans with Meredith, leaving her… confounded, to say the least.

But I won’t go into detail about all of that.  I can’t.  Why?  Because images of a scantily clad Izzie and a way-too-drunk George currently cloud my mind.  It’s all I can think about.  Okay, happy things, happy, happy things…  Ponies.  Rainbows.  Ice cream.  Not helping…

It’s too much, really.  It’s just…  too…  much…

- Joe the Bartender