Grey's Anatomy: The Emerald City Bar

SEATTLE GRACE CHAINSAW MASSACRE

Seattle Grace has seen its fair share of the ghastly and extreme:  65-pound tumors, bombs in body cavities, ferry crashes, meth lab explosions, LVAD-wire cutting interns, pregnant dudes, toxic ladies, broken penises, severed penises, pole impalements, tree impalements, an entire staff affected by syphilis…  And that’s just the stuff I came up with on the fly.

Well, SGH can now add “a crazy dude who cut off his own foot with a chainsaw – right there in the middle of the freakin’ ER!” to its repertoire.  Actually, this one can be thrown into the subcategory of the morbid, macabre and EXTREMELY sick.

I get that it’s Halloween and all – but, dude – taking a chainsaw to your perfectly healthy foot?  With no anesthesia in sight?  Are you CRAZY?  Actually, yeah.  Yeah he was crazy.  Totally nuts.

Alex came into the bar tonight with all of the grizzly details about Leatherface himself.  Apparently, this guy suffered from Body Dysmorphic Disorder.  He actually thought his foot did not belong to him.  According to Alex, the dude was convinced.  So much so that he grabbed a chainsaw, found a seat, put blade to skin and CUT. 

One question:  Who the heck let somebody bring a chainsaw into the hospital on Halloween in the first place?  Alex didn’t know.  He actually never got to see the dude in person.  Instead, Alex said he was occupied with “something else” all day.

“Something else?”  Something else?  What could be more interesting than Leatherface?  Alex wouldn’t say, but it was obvious:  a woman.  It had to have been a woman that kept Alex occupied the entire day.  Nothing else would’ve kept him from getting a chance to see Leatherface – chainsaw and all – live and in person.  Now, who Alex’s woman was?  No idea…  But you know things like that have a habit of coming out around here…

It was Lexie who actually answered my question.  You know – the one about who the heck let somebody bring a chainsaw into SGH.  On Halloween.  She said the chainsaw didn’t belong to Mr. Body Dysmorphic Disorder.  It was actually brought in by some dude who was in a local pumpkin carving contest.  That genius cut off his own finger.  (Well, at least his severed body part was an accident.)  Anyway – I guess the finger was still lodged inside the chainsaw.  Hence the reason to bring a chainsaw into a hospital.  On Halloween.  Yikes.

After Lexie filled us in, she sort of awkwardly looked at Alex and then scurried away.  Thanks for the tidbit, Lex!  Come back anytime!  Those Grey girls…  They’re a bit socially awkward, you know?

Anyhoo – So, a guy loses his foot and a hospital gains an attending.  That’s right – There’s a new kid on the block:  Erica Hahn.  Although, she’s no stranger to SGH.  She’s been around several times before.  Dr. Hahn is one of the nation’s leading cardiothoracic surgeons.  And, yep…  She’s the new Burke.

Dr. Hahn is pretty badass.  She schooled a bunch of dudes in a game of darts tonight, let me tell you.  Yeah – Dr. Hahn came in, ordered a few cocktails and then challenged some random guys in a corner to – what she called – a “friendly” game of darts.  Well, there was nothing “friendly” about it.  Hahn took no prisoners and beat every last one of her opponents.  And those guys weren’t beginners.  They just weren’t as good as Dr. Hahn.  Man, I’m telling you, the girl’s got a steady hand.

I wonder how Cristina feels about Hahn’s arrival.  Cristina is all about cardio.  At least, she used to be.  When Burke was around.  Perhaps all of that will change now that it’s Hahn who holds the key to cardioland.  We’ll see about that, but something tells me Cristina and Hahn ARE NOT going to be friends…

Hey, I’m surprised I didn’t hear about more people over at the hospital dressing up for Halloween today.  Where’s the holiday spirit?  I called Nurse Debbie to find out, but everybody seemed to have some lame excuse.  Excuses, excuses, people!  Just because you’re carrying around your baggie full of mommy DOES NOT mean you can’t dress up in a costume.  Meredith.  Who cares if the nurses have formed a club against you?  Sloan.  So what if the entire hospital heard you cheated on your wife, slept with your best friend,  or are about to be a divorcee?!  George, Izzie, Callie.  IT’S HALLOWEEN!  I want to see some freakin’ costumes!

Even I dressed up.  I even made all of my co-workers wear costumes so we could all be one, big, happy mariachi band.  It’s awesome.  We each have our matching hats and our shirts and our instruments.  And we’re taking requests!  We’re taking them all night long.  So “La Bamba” is the only Spanish song I know – WHO CARES – At least I dressed up.  Which is more than I can say about my friends over at the hospital.  And Dr. Bailey would’ve made such an adorable little kitten.  There’s always next year, I guess.

Well, have a happy and safe Halloween!  And, make sure your mom inspects all of your candy before you eat it, kids.  Until next time…

- Joe the Bartender

Smackdown!

Tonight began like any other night.  Everything was running smoothly.  The drinks were flowing.  The jukebox was blaring.  A few interns were playing darts in the corner.  Some frat boys from U-Dub were taking shots at the bar.  Callie was telling me about Izzie Stevens sleeping with her husband.  A couple nurses were crowding around the pool table.  Just another normal night, ya know?

Oh, what’s that?  You want me to back up?  Back to the frat boys and their Jagermeister?  Ohhhh, the whole Izzie sleeping with George thing.  Oh, that.  Yeah, there was…  that, too…

When Callie came in, I was thrilled to see her.  Ever since she became Chief Resident, I haven’t been able to chat with her all that much.  Being Chief Resident is no walk in the park, I’ll tell you that.  Callie looked exhausted.  I could tell that she had a lot on her mind.  That, folks, was the understatement of the year…

I set a beer down in front of her and told her it was on the house.  That’s when Callie looked up and told me – straight up – George slept with Izzie.  She then proceeded to pound her drink as I just stood there, behind the bar, speechless.  I didn’t know what to say.  I mean, I wanted to say something – anything, really – but I couldn’t seem to form any words.  Callie must’ve noticed my shock and utter amazement, because she left just about as fast as she came in.

And, that was that.  Yeah, sooo…  What’s everybody gonna be for Halloween??!!

Okay, if it sounds like I’m saying this whole Izzie/George thing is no big deal, it’s because I’m trying to convince myself this whole Izzie/George thing is no big deal.  I’ve been trying for the past three hours.  It’s not working.  No matter how much I hope and pray that this whole Izzie/George thing is just some bizarre mix-up, some way-too-vivid dream, some casual mistake, I know the truth of the matter.  Yes, this whole Izzie/George thing is a big deal.  It’s a very big deal.

Izzie and George.  Izzie and George?!  Is this a Meredith Grey, one-night-stand sorta thing?  Or is this more of a “I found my soul mate, so what if he’s married, we’re gonna make it work” kinda thing?  I, for one, would like to know.  And then I’d like to sit George O’Malley down and have a long talk with him.  What does George have to say for himself?  And, how in the world is Callie dealing with all of this?  First, Chief Resident and now her cheating husband?  Man, the future doesn’t look so bright for either of them.

After Callie left and I had time to decompress, the events I heard about over at the hospital during the day made complete sense.  You see, there was a rumor going around Seattle Grace about Callie wanting to kick Izzie Stevens’ ass at lunchtime in the cafeteria.  That’s right, SGH was about to go all WWE today.  “The smackdown of the century.”  Nobody knew what all that ruckus was about.  But, something tells me that everybody is about to find out…

Now, normally, I’d be able to sit here and blog about Meredith and Derek not having too great of a day.  I’d be able to tell you how I heard Derek was officially impressed with Lexie.  How Meredith got (understandably) annoyed about Derek and Lexie’s bonding sessions.  And, how Derek cancelled his weekend plans with Meredith, leaving her… confounded, to say the least.

But I won’t go into detail about all of that.  I can’t.  Why?  Because images of a scantily clad Izzie and a way-too-drunk George currently cloud my mind.  It’s all I can think about.  Okay, happy things, happy, happy things…  Ponies.  Rainbows.  Ice cream.  Not helping…

It’s too much, really.  It’s just…  too…  much…

- Joe the Bartender

A Hero Has Fallen

The title of my blog this week says it all, folks. 

Sadly, it’s true…  Super rockstar intern George O’Malley – once the most highly regarded intern among his peers up at Seattle Grace – is apparently no longer a super rockstar.  He’s actually more like a fraud.  A con-artist.  A fake.  A sham!  (Alex Karev’s words.  Not mine.)

According to Alex, who was just in the bar, George had all of his fellow interns totally bamboozled.  You see, George never told them he was a repeater.  But now, thanks to Alex, everybody knows about George’s former life.  It was only a matter of time, really.  I mean, George couldn’t keep that secret forever, you know?  Secrets just have a way of coming out, with or without a little push from Alex.

I guess George was royally miffed after he was outed by Alex.  Which is understandable.  Intern Steve says he feels sorry for O’Malley.  Intern Steve, by the way, is a drunk.  Okay, not really, but…  Steve says he invited George down to the bar tonight, but George completely ignored him.  George just violently shook his head and stormed off.  Intern Mitch, though, says he heard George muttering something under his breath as he walked away.  Something about “telling her” and how he’s “just gottta tell her” and how “tonight has GOT to be the night.”

Hmmm…  Now, I’m curious.  A – What does George have to tell?  B – Who does George have to tell it to?  And 3 – Why does tonight have to be the night?  Like I said, secrets have a way of coming out.  Especially around here.

Maybe it has something to do with Callie?  Nurse Debbie’s been telling me George and Callie have been going through some trouble for a while now.  I didn’t really want to believe it – because I, for one, really want those two to last…

Yeah they have their problems.  Yeah Callie’s a little bit crazy.  Yeah it’s true that their marriage wasn’t born under the best of circumstances.  But still…  Callie’s responsible for a lot of good in O’Malley’s life.  Remember how she stood by and supported George during his father’s illness?  Remember when – and I know this is a touchy subject but – remember when GEORGE SLEPT WITH MEREDITH?  My man was totally wrecked.  But Callie came in and, well, got George back on his feet.  I’m going on record to say that I like George and Callie together.  They’re good for each other.  But, it sounds like something’s up…  Who knows what it could be… 

Maybe Callie’s fallen in love with somebody else.  McSteamy?  McDreamy?  The Chief?!  Ha!  Or maybe it’s George who’s shifted his attention.  Cristina?  Bailey?  Izzie?!  Ha!!  Yeah right.  Could you imagine?  No, it’s probably just the stress of the job that’s getting to the O’Malley’s.  I’m sure it’s nothing they can’t work out…

I wanted to ask Interns Steve and Mitch more about what they’ve seen, but Alex literally shooed them away.  He said he couldn’t be seen in the presence of first year interns.  Drunk first year interns at that.

Obviously, Alex is back to being an ass.  Maybe his crankiness had to do with the World’s Oldest Intern (also known as Norman).  I guess Norman really got under Alex’s skin today.  I actually hope I’ll get a chance to meet this guy.  He sounds…  Interesting.  At first, Alex said it was a little hard yelling at his grandpa.  However, at the end of the day, Alex started to see Norman just like every other intern…  Brainless, annoying and majorly uncool.  Yeah, spring chicken Norm better hope he gets another resident.  Fast.

Alex didn’t stay very long tonight.  He was in and out in under an hour.  I wish I could say the same for Intern Steve.  When Steve started grinding a pool stick in the corner of my bar, I knew it was time for him to go.  He kept saying, “Just lemme drop it like it’s hot. One time.  Just once. Come on!”  I’m telling you, the boy was lit.

Luckily, Nurse Debbie came to the rescue.  She offered to drive Steve home.  Said she only had half a sip of a wine cooler and, besides, Steve’s place was on her way.  Yeah, right, Deb.  I could tell by the way she was staring…  Deb thought Steve was cute.  Drunk.  But cute. 

I wasn’t going to let either of them drive home.  So, I put both of them in a cab and slipped the driver a twenty.  See what a good friend I am?  I know, I know…

Well, I better get to bed.  The faster I fall asleep, the sooner I can wake up…  And enjoy another one of Walter’s fabulous waffles.  (My little wake-up plan I told you about seems to be working.  Thankfully.)  Have a good night everybody!

- Joe the Bartender

Sleepless in Emerald City...

You don’t have to be a brain surgeon to know that a severe lack of sleep can lead to general confusion, memory loss, feelings of hostility, impatience, irritability, and all-around clumsiness.  In short, sleep is good for you.  Which is why I value it.  Which is why I cherish it.  Which is why I miss it when it’s – all of a sudden – gone.  Those long, peaceful slumbers.  Gone.  They’re just…  gone…

You’d think I would’ve gotten used to it by now – what with twin babies and all.  The crying…  The screaming…  Don’t get me wrong!  My little bundles of baby joy are worth me losing a little sleep.  But…  I’m tired, people.  Which is why – lately – it’s been very easy for me to sleep until noon.  Okay, sometimes till 2 or 3 in the afternoon.

That doesn’t make me a bad person, does it?  It doesn’t make me lazy, either.  It just makes me a person who’s aware of the many health benefits of a good night’s sleep.  Right?  Right!  Well… 

TELL THAT TO WALTER!

He doesn’t like it when I sleep in.  He wants me up before 9 AM EVERYDAY, no excuses.  9 AM?  We’ve been arguing about it.  A lot.  I don’t think Walter understands that I have no choice.  It’s sometimes actually physically impossible for me to get out of bed in the morning.  It’s not my fault.  I just need my sleep.  I need it to survive.  I need it to do my damn job!

Take last night, for instance.  A bunch of newbies were in the bar going on and on about George O’Malley.  It was a true O’Malley love fest.  I guess he did some fancy schmancy medical stuff yesterday and it apparently earned him the respect of Seattle Grace’s entire internship program.  You see, there was a meth lab explosion in some crazy couple’s basement.  And, what’s worse – the couple had a baby.  That’s just…  sad.  So, so sad…

So, last night, there I was – pouring a Jack & Coke as Intern Steve (my personal favorite) and Intern Pierce argued about being O’Malley’s #1 Fan – when, I totally DOZED OFF.  Mid-pour!  My eyelids seemed to just shut themselves as Jack Daniels leaked all over the bar.  My shoes were soaking wet by the time I came to.  I looked around, as Interns Steve and Pierce stared at me, blankly.  I didn’t know what to say.  I was mortified.  I was embarrassed.  I was TIRED!!

All of a sudden, I heard a voice say, “Looks like you need this more than I do.”  I turned (slowly, lethargically), and found Mark Sloan sitting a few feet away with an espresso maker.  See what I mean?  I was so tired that I didn’t even notice McSteamy had come into the bar.

I took a look at the espresso maker.  Apparently, Cristina has been giving away her wedding presents.  Seriously?  She’s giving them away?  Why isn’t she returning them?  Because it’s Cristina, that’s why.

What else was Cristina giving away?  A MixMaster, a soup tureen, a wafflemaker…  Wait a second, a wafflemaker??!!  I was MORE than disappointed to find out that Nurse Tyler got Cristina’s wafflemaker…  Damn.  I could really use a wafflemaker.  I mean, very few things make me happier than the smell of freshly baked waffles in the morning – Now THAT, folks, is something that could get me out of bed…  Hmmm…

Anyways.  Somehow, I managed to keep myself awake long enough to get some juicy details from Mark about Meredith and Derek.  And, supposedly, I’m not the only one around here who hasn’t been getting much sleep lately.  Yeah.  McDreamy?  Not doin’ much dreamin’ these days either…

I asked Mark why I haven’t seen Derek around the bar.  He told me it’s because he can’t bear to tear himself away from Meredith Grey.  The two have been spending a lot of time together, even though – and Mark stressed this – Derek and Meredith are no longer a couple.

No longer a couple??!!  But they’re still seeing each other night after night?  Break-up sex, Mark confirmed.  And, it sounds like it’s going to take a little while for Meredith and Derek to get out of this apparent “phase,” too.  I’m not so sure all this Mer-Der break-up sex is healthy.  I mean, isn’t break-up sex only supposed to happen once?  That’s what happens normally…  But then again – as we all know – Meredith and Derek aren’t exactly normal.

After Mark left (with both his espresso maker AND a nurse), it happened again.  I dozed off!  I zoned out!  AGAIN!  This time I was listening to Intern Mitch tell me about Alex getting KNOCKED OUT by Crazy Meth Lab Dad.  Yeah – I guess Alex’s emotions got the best of him yesterday and he ended up on the floor.  Crazy Meth Lab Dad was then able to kidnap his own baby.  Luckily, Derek eventually found them.

Dude.  It sounds like Callie has her work cut out for her.  I mean, a baby went missing when she was SUPPOSED to be in charge.  That doesn’t sound so good for Chief Resident Callie.  Poor girl – Her hands are FULL.  I hope she’s able to handle the job…

Anyways – after I practically lost consciousness for the SECOND time, I immediately called Walter and told him that THIS IS WHY I NEED MY SLEEP.  Walter, however, didn’t seem to care...  He just kept saying something about us all having to “make sacrifices” and I need to “figure it out.”  “9 AM!  9 AM!  SACRIFICES!”  Then, Walter hung up.

That’s when the unthinkable happened…  GUESS who walked into my bar.  Go on, guess!  No, not Preston Burke.  Better!  It was NURSE TYLER.  It was Nurse Tyler and his WAFFLEMAKER!!

At that moment – A light bulb went off in my head.

With that wafflemaker, Walter would be able to make REALLY GOOD waffles in the morning.  Which would – of course – lead to a REALLY GOOD waffle smell in the morning.  Which would – ultimately – lead to me WAKING UP in the morning (instead of the afternoon).  All by 9 AM!  Problem solved!

I told Nurse Tyler he could drink for free IF he’d hand over the wafflemaker.  After some deliberating, Nurse Tyler agreed.  So, I took the wafflemaker home and told Walter about the plan.  He looked at me, kinda appalled, and asked, “What makes you think I’d make you waffles every morning?”  I looked back at him and said, drearily, “Sacrifices.  We all have to make sacrifices...”

And then I passed out.

Well, looks like my plan worked.  Because the time is now 8:42 AM and I’m wide awake, enjoying an absolutely delicious waffle that Walter prepared.  Delicious.  Walter has me up by 9 AM.  I have my waffle.  We have our babies.  And Walter seems pleased.  Ah, life is good…  Life.  Is.  Good.

- Joe the Bartender